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22 November 2008 @ 04:30 am
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I succumbed to the will of Peyton Elizabeth Flanders and made a fucking live journal. I was thinking so much tonight that I really couldn't resist putting everything down on paper, figuratively, of course. My best friend Evie and I went to WPV and saw Role Models and then drove around yelling along to the Pixies and Voxtrot with the windows down. I love the weather right now. I can dress like a metrosexual man without feeling weird ahaha (button-up shirt, tweed jacket, belted jeans, boating shoes and my laptop bag). Tonight was just beautiful. The stars were out and it was really cold. I've been considering everything so deeply lately: why I do the things I do, who I am, how others perceive me. I want to understand the root of my calculated choice of abstaining from drug use especially. This could go one of so many ways:

1) I'm secretly very afraid of the repercussions from my parents (though even they don't seem to care anymore) or the law.
2) I genuinely believe I have an addictive personality because of my birth parents.
3) I feel my moral fiber would be compromised because it isn't something I want to integrate into my life and I don't view it as subversive because EVERYONE does it, so it would just be some form of making myself feel less socially alienated. I enjoy life. I don't want to be numb and I don't like the idea of being in a state where I'm unable to control my actions.

I wish I had been around in the fifties, when doing drugs was actually a way of subverting the prevailing societal norms, rather than just something angsty teenagers do in the most predictable fashion. I hate following anyone else's pre-conceived notions about how a person, especially a GIRL, in my situation should act. Everyone can go fuck themselves. I don't know how to feel anymore.

I'm really afraid as well that I'm attracted to guys specifically because they're troubled, that I make my choices because I expect things to fail. I know I truly wouldn't have any idea what to do with myself if all the pieces fit together with a guy and I embarked on a relationship with him. Commitment scares me and I feel like I would probably disappoint someone if they actually wanted to date me. I think that's why I like the people I like: they're fucked up the same way I am, so they'd probably understand better when I push them away...? Now I'm just rambling, but this is CATHARSIS. I think I'm great and interesting and smart and I don't know why everything has such a hard time fitting together for me. Oh well.

Current Location: bedroom
Current Mood: thoughtfulthoughtful
Current Music: bright eyes/belle & sebastian