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Patricia Parker
30 November 2008 @ 12:07 am
Bizarre break. Very eventful. Lots of hanging around, doing more of the same Orlando bullshit, just with different people. They make up for it :)

As for everything else, I go back and forth with Publix. At once, I feel both so knowledgeable and completely incompetent, proud of myself for earning my own money (sans parents) and yet like a disposable drone. I get hit on so much by my creepy coworkers. It's flattering, I suppose...? It makes work interesting, but also uncomfortable. So whatever. I'll probably only stay through next summer, if even that long. I have so much on my mind and I just want to be around people who will help me not think. LET'S GET SHITTY. Lawl, joking. If I ever get on the internet and start talking like that, please kill me.

Current Mood: too many
Current Music: the doors, elvis costello, the rolling stones, sam cooke... tons more
Patricia Parker
24 November 2008 @ 06:21 pm
Fuck everything. I'm not kidding. Fuck my parents, fuck algebra, fuck my professor losing TWO of my rough drafts, fuck the holidays, fuck not having a boyfriend, fuck feeling alienated from everyone all the time and just wanting to cry because even at Valencia, I still suck, fuck my job, fuck the capitalist in me that makes me want so many things I'll never be able to afford or will have to save for for eons if I really need them, fuck never being satisfied. Fuck you. Fuck me. I'm just so tired of trying to make my life work and falling short. I hate feeling sorry for myself. I could really use a hug, not gonna lie.
Current Mood: alienated
Current Music: Fight- Kickball
Patricia Parker

"Like everybody who is not in love, he imagined that one chose the person whom one loved after endless deliberations and on the strength of various qualities and advantages." 

-Marcel Proust



Yep, I guess I have a lot to learn. I just cannot believe that you're the one I'm choosing to share all of this with.

Current Mood: connected
Current Music: None Shall Pass- Aesop Rock <3
Patricia Parker
22 November 2008 @ 04:30 am
I succumbed to the will of Peyton Elizabeth Flanders and made a fucking live journal. I was thinking so much tonight that I really couldn't resist putting everything down on paper, figuratively, of course. My best friend Evie and I went to WPV and saw Role Models and then drove around yelling along to the Pixies and Voxtrot with the windows down. I love the weather right now. I can dress like a metrosexual man without feeling weird ahaha (button-up shirt, tweed jacket, belted jeans, boating shoes and my laptop bag). Tonight was just beautiful. The stars were out and it was really cold. I've been considering everything so deeply lately: why I do the things I do, who I am, how others perceive me. I want to understand the root of my calculated choice of abstaining from drug use especially. This could go one of so many ways:

1) I'm secretly very afraid of the repercussions from my parents (though even they don't seem to care anymore) or the law.
2) I genuinely believe I have an addictive personality because of my birth parents.
3) I feel my moral fiber would be compromised because it isn't something I want to integrate into my life and I don't view it as subversive because EVERYONE does it, so it would just be some form of making myself feel less socially alienated. I enjoy life. I don't want to be numb and I don't like the idea of being in a state where I'm unable to control my actions.

I wish I had been around in the fifties, when doing drugs was actually a way of subverting the prevailing societal norms, rather than just something angsty teenagers do in the most predictable fashion. I hate following anyone else's pre-conceived notions about how a person, especially a GIRL, in my situation should act. Everyone can go fuck themselves. I don't know how to feel anymore.

I'm really afraid as well that I'm attracted to guys specifically because they're troubled, that I make my choices because I expect things to fail. I know I truly wouldn't have any idea what to do with myself if all the pieces fit together with a guy and I embarked on a relationship with him. Commitment scares me and I feel like I would probably disappoint someone if they actually wanted to date me. I think that's why I like the people I like: they're fucked up the same way I am, so they'd probably understand better when I push them away...? Now I'm just rambling, but this is CATHARSIS. I think I'm great and interesting and smart and I don't know why everything has such a hard time fitting together for me. Oh well.

Current Location: bedroom
Current Mood: thoughtfulthoughtful
Current Music: bright eyes/belle & sebastian